The School Answering Machine

This is an answering machine message for a school.
The outgoing message:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work – Press 2
To complain about what we do – Press 3
To swear at staff members – Press 4
To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you – Press 5
If you want us to raise your child – Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7
To request another teacher, for the third time this year – Press 8
To complain about bus transportation – Press 9
To complain about school lunches – Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.

Best Out of Office Email Replies (auto-responders)

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
2: I’m not really out of the office. I’m just ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.
5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 or the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.’ (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many individuals did this over and over).
7: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 452nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8: Hi,I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by you PC for my response.
9: Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.
10: I’ve run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:
I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Loretta’ instead of ‘Steve’

Business Mind

Laloo Prasad Yadav talks to his son to get married
Laloo : I want you to marry a girl of my choiceSon : "I want to choose my own bride".
Laloo : "But the girl is Ambani's daughter."Son : "Well, in that case.... Yes"
Next Laloo approaches Mukesh Ambani
Laloo : "I have a husband for your daughter."Ambani : "But I dont want to marry my daughter."
Laloo : "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."Ambani : "Ah, in that case.... Yes"
Finally Laloo goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Laloo : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."President :"But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Laloo : "But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law."President : "Ah, in that case.... Yes."
Now this is how business is done!!

"I knew you'd come"

Horror gripped the heart of the World War I soldier, as he saw his life-long friend fall in battle. Caught in a trench with continuous gunfire whizzing over his head, the soldier asked his lieutenant if he might go out into the "No Man's Land" between the trenches to bring his fallen comrade back.

"You can go," said the lieutenant, "but I don't think it will be worth it. Your friend is probably dead and you may throw your own life away."

The lieutenant's words didn't matter, and the soldier went anyway. Miraculously he managed to reach his friend, hoist him onto his shoulder, and bring him back to their company's trench. As the two of them tumbled in together to the bottom of the trench, the officer checked the wounded soldier, then looked kindly at his friend.

"I told you it wouldn't be worth it," he said. "Your friend is dead, and you are mortally wounded."

"It was worth it, though, sir," the soldier said.

"How do you mean, 'worth it'?" responded the lieutenant. "Your friend is dead!"

"Yes sir," the private answered. "But it was worth it because when I got to him, he was still alive, and I had the satisfaction of hearing him say, 'Jim, I knew you'd come.'"

Many a times in life, whether a thing is worth doing or not really depends on how you look at it. Take up all your courage and do something your heart tells you to do so that you may not regret not doing it later in life. May each and every one of you be blessed with the company of true friends.

Logical thinking...

Many years ago in a small Indian village,
A farmer had the misfortune Of owing a large sum of money to a village moneylender.
The Moneylender , who was old and ugly, fancied the farmer's beautiful Daughter. So he proposed a bargain.
He said he would forgo the farmer's debt if he could marry his Daughter. Both the farmer and his daughter were horrified by the Proposal.
So the cunning money-lender suggested that they let Providence decide the matter.
He told them that he would put a black Pebble and a white pebble into an empty money bag. Then the girl would Have to pick one pebble from the bag.
1) If she picked the black pebble, she would become his wife and her father's debt would be forgiven.2) If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father's debt would still be forgiven.3) But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into Jail.
They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmer's field. As They talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he Picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the bag.
He then asked the girl to pick a pebble from the bag.
Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:
1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag And expose the money-lender as a cheat.3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order To save her father from his debt and imprisonment.
Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking.
The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with Traditional logical thinking. Think of the consequences if she chooses
The above logical answers.
What would you recommend to the Girl to do?
Well, here is what she did ....
The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without Looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.
"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look into the Bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked."
Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had picked the white one. And since the money-lender dared not admit his Dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into An extremely advantageous one.